dragonflies. wildflowers. butterflies. bees. a bunch of neighbors from whom we can borrow an egg or two or three. cote de rhone and gigondas. blazing sunsets overlooking snaking rivers and salt marshes. homemade mini pizzas hot from a wood fired oven. friendships young and old, near and far, dear and informal. seeing a new friend smile when i call his name as he pedals down the road. clouds lit up and laced with silver and gold. starlit skies provoking awe and wonder. dipping toes and fingers into shallow waters. nostalgia. jumping off of bridges into brackish inlets. dancing with reckless abandon. dancing at all. david byrne. steely dan. kate bush. blonde readhead. the low spark of high heeled boys. cocktail hour. bicycle rides. the thumping sound and feeling of running on a wooded trail. visiting our friends' vacation rental. teenagers. floating docks. water dogs. loons parting a rippled pond. wind mixing up leaves and limbs. tiny pine cones clinging to waterlogged boughs. watching our pooch, smellie, swim. michael's fluffy homemade pasta noodles. getting a tiny little buzz. beauty. stories. hopes. memories of yesterday. dreams of tomorrow. possibility.
a rare, decent night's sleep. stovetop espresso with warm milk, as always, ready and waiting. a well-seasoned cast iron pan. jammy eggs with sea salt fried in olive oil (my rendition.) gifted loaf of ta's homemade bread for buttered toast.
early-morning backyard stroll across freshly-cut grass, mug in hand.
fothergilla and other flowering shrubs going absolutely nuts. the mesmerizing scent of double-white russian hybrid lilacs. amazing azaleas in at least five blush and blazing colors. stalks of purple alliums exploding like fireworks in the perennial gardens.
walking wooded trails with smellie. running some of it, even in
jeans. shedding winter layers. feeling lighter these days. bits of grey hair coming in wavy.
driving on quiet, winding back roads. picking up speed up and down hills. spectacular vistas over my shoulders. snowy owl perched on a chimney. smiles and waves from friendly strangers. blasting david byrne's talking heads over calvin's shrieking one. curious cows and calves grazing silently in a roadside pasture. (some) maskless people frolicking at a nearby farm. exchanging enormous smiles with a gal riding her fatbike down a dirt road.
covid-vaccine freedom-windows. calvin's school, bus driver, aides and teacher. getting to know newish neighbors. apple blossoms. dandelion fields. flowering chestnut trees. compelling books and films. forgiving son and husband. gatherings again! seeing friends' lovely faces close-up. loving buddies who understand me. bear hugs from some of my besties.
laughs. tears. dirty jokes. expletives—all among friends.
red wine and blonde redhead. finger-licking seared lamb chops and baby asparagus. michael's creamy garlic mashers. gingersnap ice cream in a waxed paper cup. my little wild turkey in jeans and a t-shirt, even though he sends me reeling.
When blowing out candles or spotting a falling star, I usually wish for Calvin's seizures to disappear. Michael, on the other hand, says that if he could change anything about Calvin, it would be that our boy could speak, mostly so that he could tell us the source of his misery. I can't disagree.
Last night, Calvin ramped up into a familiar and distressing episode in which he writhed in pain, screeching, moaning and screaming for nearly two hours. As soon as I saw it coming on, I gave him two pain medications, and when those didn't work I gave him extra homemade THCA cannabis oil. Taking turns in bed with him, Michael and I did our best to comfort and console him while trying not to get hurt ourselves. Calvin, who is nearly five feet tall, has no concept that his flailings can hurt others. To avoid getting bopped by an errant fist or poked by a rigid finger, I shut my eyes tightly, curled my lips over my teeth and pressed them together, then held my hands in front of my face attempting to absorb my boy's lunges and desperate, clawing embraces.
Ninety minutes into the episode, which I am fairly certain was a migraine brought on by a bout of latent benzodiazepine withdrawal, I was able to cradle him in my lap while resting my head against the end of his bed. Ten minutes after giving him the THCA, he fell asleep with his arms above his head wrapped loosely around my neck.
Afraid to move lest I wake my boy, I laid in the awkward position for an hour. There, in the silence of darkness, I thought about the film Michael and I had just finished watching, Eat That Question: Frank Zappa in His Own Words. In the film, which features excerpts from interviews with the prolific composer-musician-entertainer, Zappa muses on freedom and free-thinking. Some of the things he said struck a chord with me:
"I hate to see anybody with a closed mind, on any topic."
"Any sort of political ideology that doesn't allow for the rights, and doesn't take into consideration the differences that people have, is wrong."
I thought about Calvin and his inability to access in-person or remote learning during this pandemic. I thought about disabled Americans in wheelchairs who, for instance, still don't have equal access to train and air travel. I thought about how the LGBTQI+ community is treated by this administration and others in this nation, and how Blacks, Indigenous, Latinos, immigrants, refugees, and Muslims are treated on the whole. Zappa went on to speak about morality in a way that, as a non-religious person myself, deeply resonated with me:
"When you have a government that prefers a certain moral code derived from a certain religion, and that moral code turns into legislation to suit one certain religious point of view ... and if that code happens to be very, very right-wing ... well, then [whoever opposes it] is [considered] an anarchist."
One panelist challenged him on this assertion by saying, "Every form of government is based on some kind of morality, Frank."
In clarifying, Zappa replied, "Morality in terms of behavior, not in terms of theology."
Zappa's response had made me smile.
While still in my embrace, I mused on Calvin, a boy who is incapable of pondering any god or subscribing to any religious dogma, and yet is the purest being I know. He has no words to pray, no aberrant behavior which could be considered sinful. He can't hope for or contemplate salvation, or wish on a star. I thought about the righteous, honest, loving, accepting, charitable people I know who are not religious, then contrasted them in my head to some of the hideous, bigoted, greedy, deceitful folks I know of who insist on calling themselves Christians.
As I began dozing off, I went back to wishing Calvin had the words to tell us what is wrong. If only he could express himself so we could better help him. Despite that disadvantage—or perhaps owing to it—at that moment I felt grateful, as his mother, to be able to care for him from a gut-instinct, cellular level unlike anyone else can or ever could. I keep my mind open to what Calvin's presence affords me to see and learn about the world. He informs and shapes my views on otherness, bigotry, freedom of movement and speech or—as too many in this straight, White, Christian, patriarchy experience—lack thereof. Thank goodness for other strong voices which are resistant to White nostalgia, chauvinism and puritanism, and are fighting to bring about change.
Slipping back into bed with Michael, before drifting off to sleep, I imagined my favorite of Zappa songs—the wildly irreverent ones, the zany ones, the impossibly complex and bluesy ones—in particular one called Watermelon and Easter Hay. The song is gorgeous and, like Calvin, it doesn't have any words.
Turn it up, close your eyes and have a listen ... and maybe even weep:
Our boy Matty just made a delivery to our kitchen window. Technically, I'm not sure he's supposed to since our governor, Janet Mills, just put us in lockdown today. However, I imagine beer delivery is an essential service, so I think we're good. Matty kept a safe distance as he put the brewskis through the window, and Michael grabbed them with kitchen towels before putting them in the refrigerator. When Matty said so long, he smiled at me from under his raincoat's hood, and I told him I love him and his family. Right then it became more real how hard it will be not to commune with our beloveds for who knows how long. My guess is September.
Everything coronavirus is intensely fascinating.
In the background we were listening to KEXP, which is broadcast from near my hometown in Seattle. They had just played a gorgeous cover of David Bowie's Young Americans by Durand Jones & The Indications, and were pausing for a top-of-the-hour break. Two DJs sitting in separate sound studios spoke of how they could perform dorky dances since no one was there to see them. They went on to notice how they were getting low on wipes to disinfect the equipment, adding that they'd play music until they ran out. That last comment made me begin to weep. Seeing me, Michael said something to the effect that music will save the world. He says that all the time.
As the one DJ was signing off, she said, "Be kind to each other." If I hadn't already been slayed by the previous comment, that one pretty much killed me. I thought of a recent conversation I had with a loved-one in which I might have been over-the-top and not as forgiving as I might have been in other times, even if a reaction was duly warranted.
As dusk is setting, a fire rolls in the wood stove. Michael is fixing salmon and sushi rice for dinner. Thankfully, a dear old friend who lives alone in a farmhouse on the edge of town, and whom I've been worried about, finally responded to me saying, among other things, that he is fine.
Music will save the world. Last night it saved me from monotony and despair. Despite needing to catch up on lost sleep due to Calvin's recent and prolonged waves of seizures, for the first time in what felt like forever, Michael and I stepped out to see a concert in the "big" city of Portland, where most of Maine's hipsters live. Regrettably, the event was sparsely attended, which bummed me out a bit, knowing that the band might be discouraged, too. But Michael reminded me that as artists, these musicians don't care. They just want to play. He was right. They gave their all and everything. We've been listening to Blonde Redhead for nearly twenty years. Michael first heard them on Bowdoin College's radio station. While driving, he was so blown away by their powerful and distinct sound that he pulled to the curb, found a phone booth and called the station to ask who the DJ was playing. Inside the small venue, Port City Music Hall, Michael and I positioned ourselves front and center, within arm's reach of the New York-based trio. Italian twins, Simone and Amedeo Pace, jammed guitar, drums and sang, while vocalist, Kazu Makino,who also played guitar and keyboard, employed her voice quite ethereally and at other times wild and loud. Bathed in orange and purple light, I danced with abandon to the jazziest of their gorgeously ecclectic rock songs, and beside me Michael did, too. I missed Calvin, wishing he could be there with us while knowing it was something he would probably never do. Regardless, as the bass drum beat in our chests, we felt this musical elixir fix us, at least for one night, before going back to the grind.
