love and burden

Freud posits that any declaration of love masks some degree of odium, any hatred at least a trace of adoration. All that children can properly require of their parents is that they tolerate their own muddled spectrum—that they neither insist on the lie of perfect happiness nor lapse into the slipshod brutality of giving up. One mother who lost a child with a serious disability worried in a letter to me that if she felt relieved, her grief was not real. There is no contradiction between loving someone and feeling burdened by that person; indeed, love tends to magnify the burden. These parents need space for their ambivalence, whether they can allow it for themselves or not. For those who love, there should be no shame in being exhausted—even in imagining another life.

—Andrew Solomon from Far From the Tree

photo by Michael Kolster

ecosphere of kindness

And I don't accept subtractive models of love, only additive ones. And I believe that in the same way that we need species diversity to ensure that the planet can go on, so we need this diversity of affection and diversity of family in order to strengthen the ecosphere of kindness.

—Andrew Solomon, author of Far From the Tree

I was reminded of this quote yesterday when I heard of—and celebrated—the defeat of the Defense of Marriage Act. I thought of all the families raising disabled children, thought of single parent families, biracial families, of committed lesbian and gay couples who have had children of their own and who have adopted children and have given them a safe and loving home and an optimistic future.

It wasn't that long ago that people with epilepsy could not legally marry, that white people couldn't marry black people. As a result, these couples did not enjoy the same benefits that married folk did—something that the people of a free and just society should never be proud of. So I, too, celebrate this additive model of love. No doubt it's what helps make the world go round.

photo by Michael Kolster

love, no matter what (video)

In 1989 I met a handsome Brit named Ian. He led the down-to-earth photo safari which my brother and I enjoyed in Kenya and Tanzania that year. Ours was a brief romance but we stayed in touch for years and I revisited him in Kenya a decade later. To this day we still correspond. Now, he and his smart, beautiful wife Maggie and their two young sons run Wheatland Farm, an ecotourism destination in Devon, some miles southwest of London.

Yesterday, Ian sent me this video, which features Andrew Solomon, author of Far From the Tree, (which is awaiting me on my night stand) along with a message that read, "This one made me think of you ... it's very worth listening to."

I hesitate to say much more about the video besides the fact that it is clear that my dear friend Ian knows me well and that the message in this video is beautifully, poignantly profound, particularly—perhaps—if you are a parent. I highly encourage all of you to watch.

Coincidentally, and especially considering the nature of the video, when I googled Wheatland farm I found a Virginia farm of the same name that caters to children with special needs.

Thank you, Ian. You continue to touch many lives.

If you cannot view the video click here to view it on you tube.

far from the tree (video)

I've got this book on order: Far From the Tree by Andrew Solomon. At nearly 1000 pages, including notes, it delves into the lives of parents with extraordinary children. I have no doubt that I'll lose myself in it, and hopefully drown in the simple bliss of knowing that I'm not alone.