keen ideas

For three days in a row Calvin slept in my lap downstairs on the plush couch, waking only for a few moments at a time before laying his head down again. No fever. No cough. No runny nose. Just refusing food and not drinking enough. The few times he walked, he was weak and wobbly, and was spacey and pale at times as he sat idle in the middle of the floor. If it were not for the fact that he began showing signs of some kind of ailment prior to the seizures he had on his birthday morn, I'd think perhaps the culprit were my most recent batch of THCA cannabis oil which is slightly hazier than usual having used a different kind of oil.

Today Calvin seems much better, and although his balance is still off, he went to school and ate most of the food I packed for him, which is no small amount (my boy seems to have a fast metabolism.)

Lately, I've been more keen on the idea of taking care of my own body a bit better than I have these last several years. A couple of loved one's radical health issues, which landed them each in the hospital for surgery through no fault of their own, got me thinking—Michael and Calvin would be totally fucked if anything happened to me. With that angst-causing thought in mind, I'm keen on sleeping more, keen on drinking less alcohol, walking more, eating more real foods like fruit and fewer ones like chips. I'm keen on consuming more vegetarian meals if I can convince the chef of the house to let up a little on those winter comfort foods—namely pork and lamb—which he likes to cook, and I like to eat so much.

I used to regularly feel ten or fifteen years younger than my age. These days nearly all of my fifty-four years are palpable to me. Perhaps this feeling is partly due to the long winter, to being trapped inside and unable to move my body as much as I'd like to outdoors, what with all the ice and snow (I don't like exercising in groups or swimming indoors.) Perhaps it's these extra handful of pounds hugging my body and not letting go. No doubt it's cumulative sleep deprivation and the lack of sunshine we've had this winter in an otherwise decently sunny town. Chances are the stress of raising Calvin causes more gray hair to grow.

Thankfully, spring is on its way. And in less than two weeks Calvin will take his very last dose of benzodiazepine after ingesting them since he was three—nearly eleven years. Just that will liberate me! Hopefully he'll come off the bus in a few minutes with a smile on his face and walking steady and tall. With luck, as he grows (he is a foot shorter than I and nearly half my weight) I will become stronger still, something I'm very keen to do.

Photo by Michael Kolster

1 comment:

  1. Adding Magnesium has really helped me with sleep and overall well being. When I try to restrict animal protein, my hair gets thin and lackluster. I crave red meat once a month! Sometimes I take 6to 9 mg. melatonin (capsule form) to sleep. It does not put me in such a deep sleep that I cannot hear the beginning of a seizure. We always carry lavender essential oil when we are with T., as it has helped stopped the second seizure of cluster seizures in seconds. I read about lavender oil on your blog. Of course even though i sleep better, all my dreams are of a happy healthy son. Hope this is helpful as you have been so helpful to me, hope you all have a happy weekend, xo jennifer