6.19.2017

pure serenity

Again, four-thirty came too early on Sunday, especially having not fallen into bed until midnight. I had only half expected Calvin's grand mal, and though I was disappointed it came just eight days after the last, I was grateful that it waited until nearly dawn. As he seized, Michael and I lifted the netting covering his bed, unlatched and lowered its safety panel then protected his head from banging on the wooden lip of the bed. I grabbed the vial of lavender oil and rubbed it on the bottoms of Calvin's feet, then held it under his nose so that he could get a good whiff of linalool, a terpene thought to be effective in thwarting seizures. When it was over, I gave him his morning dose of benzodiazepine early, then crawled in with him as he drifted in and out of sleep for the next hour.

Lying in bed next to him, our windows open to the cool, humid air, I listened to the birds awakening. This time I think I heard a thrush, a catbird and a pileated woodpecker. Other than the birds, and Calvin's shallow breathing, my world was silent. The birdsongs have a strange way of echoing (or is it dampening?) in the morning fog, which I imagined lurking across the meadow that abuts our back yard. Similar to early evening, dawn is a gloriously serene time of day in the garden. Sometimes it is so quiet, especially in the wake of a heavy rain, that I can hear the river rushing over the falls a mile or more away. In the silence, I like to imagine the wing-flutter of butterflies, bees and dragonflies, or the sound of moist earth giving way to spears and sprouts and churning worms in the organic garden in the field behind our home.

The regrettable situation we find ourselves in—the seizures Calvin has, the worry over impending ones, clusters of them and trips to the ER, the shrieking he does in the days leading up to a grand mal, the relentless years of sleepless nights, the grief over losing what we thought parenthood might promise, the despair harbored knowing we will never be grandparents, the tension felt over every injury or close call, the resentment of folks who don't seem to or can't understand, the feeling of being imprisoned in time, space and circumstance—causes me, among other things, sometimes to unwittingly clench my teeth at night. I wake these days with an aching jaw, having pressed so hard as if unable to let go, like a hound dog with a bloody bone.

Later, like on most mornings before the neighborhood is awake and passersby in the back field begin to linger, come and go, I slipped into my green rubber boots and took my coffee outside. I strolled around the garden in the same pattern that I make with Calvin, over dewy grass and moss and stone, observing every shrub, bud and blossom, smelling fragrant ones, pulling weeds and errant clover. I gazed beyond our yard to the idyllic field which the college now owns, with its quaint antique schoolhouse, feeling immense gratitude for its openness and pure serenity. I hope with all my heart that promises are kept and that it can remain that way; it is so beautiful and calm in its simplicity. Sometimes it feels as though my secret garden is the only quiet space I know, the only place where my mind can be at ease, my body relaxed, my heart calm.

6 comments:

  1. Sending you peace -- with the full knowledge that all of life and every feeling and thought is just temporary. I love you.

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  2. You have a lovely garden. I know that feeling, those tight muscles, and you feel like you can't go on one more day and you do because there is no other choice.

    I used your recipe and it worked. Thank you. It wasn't so hard as I thought it would be, just took time. The oil has helped Katie's behavior a lot, much more than any of the anti psychotics we've had her on.

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    1. you made the THCA oil, right? that is great! i am so glad her behavior has improved! i have little to no doubt it is helping calvin in myriad ways. xo

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    2. one more trick to helping dissolve the resin into the mct oil better: now i add 3 mls of mct oil to the alcohol mixture before evaporating it. the oil weighs about 1 gram per ml so i subtract 3 grams from the total weight of the evaporated resin to get the total weight of the resin before dissolving it in the finishing oil. i was using just 1 ml of oil in the alcohol mix but that was not enough to soften the resin for better, quicker dissolving. does that make sense?

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  3. Christy, I have to tell you your writing is becoming a work of art. You have captured in words what took place, the surroundings, your feelings, your hopes, your despair....all in remarkable images a reader can see and know. I wish for all of you that the situation did not produce this, and that Calvin's and your lives were ordinary, but given the reality you live with, you are finding a priceless talent within you. Keep it up!

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    1. thank you, carol. your kind words mean so much to me. thank you for your continued love and support.

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