gripes and gratitude


stuck at home. caregiver blues. sleep deprivation. sick, snotty-nosed, stubborn son. whining. ear infection? sinus infection? five male members of the supreme court. discrimination. benzodiazepine withdrawal: massive drooling, mania, incessant finger snapping, shrieking. heart palpitations and vertigo (mine.)  broken flowers. joni mitchell ad nauseam. disabled child. ill child. non-verbal child. the nightmare of caregiver infinity. school break with zero programs for my disabled son. tedium. epilepsy. caregiver fatigue. dreading a bleak future. dark circles under my eyes. watching the world go by.


stuck at home. sweet, affectionate boy. green all around. budding roses. naps. birds and their songs. my husband michael. shumai burgers. dark and stormy times two. futbol. out on the water under glorious skies and warm, dry wind. health. strength. patience. love. laughter. motorcycle rides. cannabis for my kid's seizures. friends. humor. home made lobster rolls. peonies. butterflies. mom. new growth. joni mitchell within reason. a ten-year-old boy who, the other morning in bed wearing a dirty diaper, i could swear said, "ma." remembering that recent walk on the beach. watching the world go by.

photo by Michael Kolster


  1. I like your lists -- I could probably share and use them as mine as well with some minor switches. The "joni mitchell ad nauseum" made me giggle. I love her and think fondly of your dislike every time I listen to her. That makes me smile and love you even more than I already do --

    By the way, the drooling with benzo withdrawal is bizarre. Sophie has always had periods of drooling, and as we began the wean, it intensified and is now so much LESS than it's ever been. Who knows what causes it -- the seizures, the benzo, the withdrawal. What the hell and hey?

    1. eee,

      drooling is one of the top five side effects of benzos. when one withdrawals from a benzo they experience the same side effects that they did when they started it. that is why on less benzo, after a withdrawal period, sofie drools less! when calvin came off of clonazepam he didn't drool at all and we were able to see his cute neck instead of the damn kerchiefs! that time will come again!


  2. Your essay in the Sun Magazine, August, 2014, Faith of My Father, still resonates in my mind hours after reading it. My grand daughter, Lily, has Angelman Syndrome with seizures and other developmental issues. My daughter writes on FB and has connected with several hundred families world wide who have children with this disorder. FB has been her podium, virtual shoulder to cry on, receive advice and support from those who really know what she goes through. Bronwen swears like a sailor so, her posts aren't for everyone but, she does speak for so many. Keep writing and, I'm honored to hear/read your words. Thanks.