exhale, and quick.

Sometimes I think that the kid is going to drive me to jump off of a cliff. I can't say he is going to drive me to drink, because I already do that pretty much every night, though rarely, if ever, to excess. I'm not sure what is going on lately, but ever since he began school his stubbornness has taken a turn for the worse and he is dropping down—like a petulant two-year-old in the grocery store—whenever he doesn't want to go or do where or what we want him to. Someone said to me recently, "Well, I guess that is progress," which is correct, but it is sad to think that my twelve-year-old is just entering the terrible twos.


Add that frustration to the somewhat new emergence of what I think are tantrums and to the slight uptick in grand mal seizures (albeit there has been recent and unexplainable disappearance of obvious partial seizures) and you could peel me off of the ceiling on some days.

Just now, after Calvin went bat shit crazy in the tub after pooping a little bit in it, I was looking for something to throw against the wall besides my fist. I wanted to break something or scream my bloody head off, but instead, I just put it in my hands and kept a lid on it, which I'm not completely convinced is at all healthy.

Instead, I'll take Nellie out for a run. And maybe a shower would do me good. And I've got a drink and a bite with my lovely Sarah Diego planned for later tonight.

What I really should do for the moment, though, is exhale, and quick.

Photo by Michael Kolster


  1. so sorry you have to go thru this . I will keep you in my thoughts and hope it will get better . Hugs .

  2. I'm sorry. You are not alone. Sending you a big hug. Could Calvin be starting puberty? My son became stubborn at times.
    I hope today is a better day.

    1. yes, he started showing signs puberty over a year ago. :( thank you.

  3. I would have to agree with Sandy, puberty messes with kids minds. Katie was eleven when she became quite violent with me. At twenty-four I still get the worst of her behavior. Someone pointed out to me that girls and their mums often clash, I know it happened with her sister as well. I'm hopeful that Katie's mind settles as she ages but it is beyond hard to live through.

    I hope you have other caregivers to lean on to help you with his care. It's too much to do alone. Take care.