6.17.2021

all i want

all i want is to lie quietly for awhile on a blanket outside with my son. all i want is for us to make it all the way down the block. all i want is to hear him tell me what is wrong. all i want is for his seizures to stop. all i want is to never give him another drug.

all i want is for him to stop staring at the sun. all i want is for him to drink without spilling it down his chin. all i want is to be able to ease his pain. all i want is to better know what he wants. all i want is for him to eat with a spoon. all i want is for him is to chew well enough not to choke.

all i want is for him to tell us what happens at school. all i want is for him to dress and undress himself. all i want is for him to stop wetting the bed. all i want is for him to stop biting and drooling on every surface in the house. all i want is for him to stay calm enough for me to read him a book.

all i want is to sleep four or more hours without getting up. all i want is a day to myself. all i want is for him to run around and play by himself. all i want is for him to walk without my help. all i want is for his manic outbursts to stop. all i want is to know what is inside his head.

all i want is to feel more like i once did.

Photo by Michael Kolster

8 comments:

  1. All you want is to live in your full Motherhood and not as a caregiver, too. Not too much to ask, my friend. Not at all.

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  2. Such a tough row to hoe, not the life you envisioned. I want all these things for you, too, and just wish that the pain I genuinely feel for you could somehow make your days easier. Does Calvin like/respond to music? I'd be happy to come over and play guitar for him.

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    1. thank you, writer. yes, Calvin likes music. thank you for your kind sentiments and offer to play guitar. thankfully, my husband has got it covered.

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  3. I've been a silent reader or a while- but only now commenting. From one epilepsy mom to another- stay strong and much love.It's not the easiest road we're on.

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    1. so nice to hear from you, sharmila. though I don't wish epilepsy on any family, it is comforting to know I'm not alone.

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