Last night I dreamt of Calvin, which isn't unusual. In most of my dreams of him, however, he is having a bad seizure. I know I dream in color because in these dreams I can see that his hair is auburn and his face is blue. Thankfully I wake up from these dreams as they are as distressing as the real thing.

But last night's dream was different. The three of us were on holiday together, which in reality has happened only once in over four years. In the dream Calvin had fallen and banged his mouth. When I heard him cry out I came running. I asked him what hurt and he pointed to his mouth and tried his best to utter words to me.

I know that to some this dream may seem kind of sad, but to me it is full of hope. Maybe it is some sort of window into the future. You see, if Calvin could learn to point deliberately everything would change. Pointing is a foundation of language. If only he could communicate his needs and desires, or be able to tell us what hurts.

When I was pregnant with him I dreamt that he was born chattering. I still believe in my heart that one day, hopefully soon, I will hear him say "mama".

june 2005

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