It's things like these—one of which happened around 6:30 last night—that send me into spirals of despair.
He's having seizures more often lately—the still, silent ones likely steeling him away in the dead of night as I sleep nearby unaware of their presence. I'm racked with angst over them, and the dread I feel compounds my worry about his extreme pigeon-toeing, his incessant eye-poking that, defying a previous surgery, has turned his right eye inward again, his loose joints, his fractured teeth, his persistent chin rash from fountains of drool caused by the clobazam, his chronic constipation, his anal fissures, his painful gas, his poor balance, his interrupted sleep, his lack of focus and increasing agitation which no doubt have to do with the high doses of antiepileptic drugs he has to take that still don't stop his seizures.
The medical marijuana dispensary I've been consulting with has encouraged me to make the THCa cannabis tinctures myself. They say it might be my best option if I want it immediately, made to my specifications, and for the lowest price. But it's not the best option considering I've got none of the equipment and little spare time what with my writing, holding down the fort and taking care of a kid who can't walk by himself, is still in diapers, won't play with toys for longer than a few seconds or minutes, can't feed himself, and whom I can never take my hands off of except to confine him to a johnny-jump-up (in which he pokes his eye) or in his safety bed (in which he sits on his shins exacerbating his toeing-in problem.)
So the decision is not an easy one. I feel the need to do less, not more, of taking care of Calvin business. But my desire to start him on the medical marijuana is intense. I can't go on living this way and, though Michael reminds me that this tincture will be no silver bullet, we've got to find a way out of this insane cycle of things like these I've mentioned that are slowly but surely driving me insane.
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