things like these

It's things like these—one of which happened around 6:30 last night—that send me into spirals of despair. 

He's having seizures more often lately—the still, silent ones likely steeling him away in the dead of night as I sleep nearby unaware of their presence. I'm racked with angst over them, and the dread I feel compounds my worry about his extreme pigeon-toeing, his incessant eye-poking that, defying a previous surgery, has turned his right eye inward again, his loose joints, his fractured teeth, his persistent chin rash from fountains of drool caused by the clobazam, his chronic constipation, his anal fissures, his painful gas, his poor balance, his interrupted sleep, his lack of focus and increasing agitation which no doubt have to do with the high doses of antiepileptic drugs he has to take that still don't stop his seizures.

The medical marijuana dispensary I've been consulting with has encouraged me to make the THCa cannabis tinctures myself. They say it might be my best option if I want it immediately, made to my specifications, and for the lowest price. But it's not the best option considering I've got none of the equipment and little spare time what with my writing, holding down the fort and taking care of a kid who can't walk by himself, is still in diapers, won't play with toys for longer than a few seconds or minutes, can't feed himself, and whom I can never take my hands off of except to confine him to a johnny-jump-up (in which he pokes his eye) or in his safety bed (in which he sits on his shins exacerbating his toeing-in problem.)

So the decision is not an easy one. I feel the need to do less, not more, of taking care of Calvin business. But my desire to start him on the medical marijuana is intense. I can't go on living this way and, though Michael reminds me that this tincture will be no silver bullet, we've got to find a way out of this insane cycle of things like these I've mentioned that are slowly but surely driving me insane.

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  1. Sending you strength and wisdom to find the right balance, Christy. I am always thinking of you and Calvin, and hoping that each day will be better than the last. My hope is that medical marijuana WILL be the silver bullet.

  2. I came from Elizabeth Aquino's blog. I have a 21 year old daughter with severe behavioral problems and severe mental disability. She no longer lives with me because I couldn't do it anymore. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that you making the tincture yourself, although I know how it feels to be told, just do this one more thing, even though you just want to sit down and cry and never move again because you are so worn out with worry and work, maybe this one thing might make things better.

    I don't have access to medical marijuana yet, I'm in the process of applying for my daughter, we live in Canada. In the interim I took it upon myself to make some special oreo cookies for her and it has helped. It was a lot of work but I'm hoping that in the long run it will make things better for her.

    You are not alone. I remember how isolated I felt when my daughter was growing up. I don't know you but I'm sending hugs. Take care.