shitty sunday (not to be read while eating)

6:15  (At the very latest) wake up because Calvin has to get his seizure meds on time.
6:20  Prepare Calvin's seizure meds.
6:30  Make coffee.
6:35  Prepare Calvin's breakfast.
6:45  Hug Michael and Calvin.
6:50  Go back upstairs to put adhesive bag over Calvin's weenie to collect urine so it does not contaminate the stool sample we are hoping Calvin will produce.
6:55 Back downstairs. Put on Calvin's bib and encourage him to open his mouth for his nine anticonvulsant pills stuck into spoonfuls of yogurt and—with a little coaxing—he does.
7:00 Offer Calvin sausage, which he picks up, rolls around in his fingers then tosses on the ground.
7:01 Not eating ... again. 
7:05 Walk Calvin around and around and around the house and the yard holding his harness and trying not to let him bite the bookcase and the banisters, which have begun to splinter as a result.
7:15 Wave goodbye to Michael who goes to get Frosty's donuts.
7:25 Welcome Michael home, carrying white bag of Frosty's donuts.
7:30 Take random bites of Frosty's donuts whenever within reach of plate during loops around the house with Calvin.
7:40 Listen to The Who—on vinyl—loud.
7:50 Urine bag full but no stool so have to peel bag off of Calvin's package then start over with a second bag.
8:00 Slurp cold coffee with more random bites of donut during more loops around the dining room table and kitchen.
8:15 Offer Calvin more food which he refuses again, even donut.
8:30 Michael takes Calvin while I deadhead some dried flowers, accidentally cutting off several buds that are about to bloom. Shit.
8:45 Say goodbye to Michael who goes to work in his studio for much of the day, today.
8:50 Go to change small poopy diaper. Not enough for a stool sample. Shit.
8:51 Peel off soiled urine collection bag and replace with a third one, but this time—incredulously—over Calvin's butt hole as was recommended to try. Secure top part with black electricians tape to ensure no urine seeps in and contaminates stool.
9:00 Offer Calvin food again and, while he is chewing, notice that he begins to make poopy face.
9:01 Unbuckle Calvin from high chair (cannot make poops easily while sitting in chair.)
9:05 Feed Calvin while he is standing up, restrained between my legs, as I hold his harness tightly, hoping he shits.
9:10 Calvin finally takes a few bites of sausage, pitted cherries, yogurt and Cracklin' Oat Bran cereal.
9:15 Calvin refuses to eat any more but makes another poopy face.
9:20 Calvin crawls around on floor in circles and begins to make poopy sounds.
9:25 Check Calvin's diaper to see large poop inside of plastic collection bag. Eureka!
9:30 Carry Calvin upstairs to change diaper. Peel off specimen bag full of mushy poop.
9:40 Put Calvin into bed, raise safety panels, secure safety net, give Calvin his toy football to bite.
9:45 Scoop out tiny globs of stool from plastic collection bag and spoon into test vials. Yellow-top is shaken and kept at room temperature, white-top is frozen, both to be sent by FedEx to lab in Kansas sometime after we do this entire thing—plus a urine specimen—again tomorrow.
10:00 Write about my shitty Sunday morning and smile.

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Do not try this at home unless you have to.

1 comment:

  1. Egad! What a day!

    We humans should have been made like postage stamps---just peel off what you need. Wouldn't that have been a grand design?