i am having a not-so-good day so far. i ran into an acquaintance who i have hoped would become a new friend. she has three beautiful, healthy tow-heads that are very young. she told me she heard calvin had had a seizure the night we were supposed to have ice cream with our mutual friend. i said yes, it was true, and that it happened a lot, and then i started to break down in the grocery store parking lot and had to excuse myself. i wonder if this sadness will ever dissipate. i know swimming should help but i am still afraid swimming will make me sad and cry like it has every time i get into the pool—remembering swimming while i was pregnant. i am tired and grouchy and anxious and miserable a lot of the time. i'm not going to take medication because i feel like i need to feel these feelings for calvin. i believe if i don't feel them then i won't really know how hard this all is, and i think i need to know that. i don't want to be numb to the situation. i want to go deep then come out on the other side.
|photo by Michael Kolster